


That piece of meat pie

by Dreyonea



Category: Bartimaeus - Jonathan Stroud
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-28 11:44:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7638919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreyonea/pseuds/Dreyonea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bart & co. in high school. You see Faquarl tends to stick to kitchen for some reasons and now Bartimaeus the Great (idiot) wants to know if it's really him who baked those meat pies. Yeah, crack fic like none other... xD</p>
            </blockquote>





	That piece of meat pie

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



Every year, just before Christmas break, our school organizes something called The Great Christmas Charity Market. Chosen students bring their creations, old stuff or food, sell it to people and then the collected money goes to... well... charity. And every year Faquarl handles his own little stall with the best meat pie I’ve ever eaten. (I’m not sarcastic, as much as I’d like to insult Faquarl’s pie it’s impossible, that shit’s like heaven in your mouth.) My point is that the pie is definitely not product of Faquarl’s mother. As a matter-of-fact I know that becasue my dad works with Faquarl’s mom and he swears that the woman’s culinary skill could kill a whole battalion of sewer rats.

-Why don’t you just go and buy some? You’ve been looking at those pies for at least an hour,- out of nowhere Natty-boy (Oh, excuze-me! I wanted to say John Mandrake, or whatevere he calls himself now.) emerged to my field of vision.

-You see, my greasyhaired friend, I’m just not hungry.-

-So you’re watching Faquarl?- (That little cheeky shit! He even ignored my remark about that terrible hair of his.)

-Um...- once again my notorious silver tongue presented itself.

Natty-boy cringed and let out a sound of disgust: -That’s like one of those pieces our crazy drama teacher writes,- and with that he trailed off to stall dedicated to school newspapers.

Now where was I before this bold disturbance? Yes that blond hair... NO! I mean, pie, that blond’s pie! (My own mind is betraying me.) So it cannot be from store, even that smell cries it’s homecooked. Faquarl has no siblings and his father is who knows where, what bring me to the only solution even though it’s near impossible- Faquarl made those pies.

-Hey, grimalkin! You’re going to buy one or not?- blond’s voice entered my ears like buttered knife. (If you didn’t understand my beautiful metaphor, it means that after our fatal busride it’s not as bad as it used to be, but it’s still sharp and i hate it. Moreover, one day I’m gonna google some of those weird words he uses, nevertheless I’m sure they’re offensive in one way or another)

-No, you know, before I eat one I need to know what’re they made of. Like, what if I’m allergic?-

-You eat five of them every year, nincompoop.- (Busted!) Faquarl took one tiny compresed paradise for taste buds and waved it in front of my face.

-Yeah, fine, but still... What’s in it?- I asked as I shoved it down my throat. (I nearly choked myself, but it was worth every second. And there was still a chance that stupid blond didn’t notice my struggles.)

-Chew before you swallow,- (Shit.) -and why is it so important to you suddenly? By the way, that’s one pound.- (Double shit, I hoped the first one would be free.)

-I’m just investigating, if you really need to know,- my voice lowered.

Faquarl’s answer was one raised eyebrow, he sat quietly on the other side of his makeshift stall, people were passing us without further notice. I leaned over the desk with godly deliciousness and motioned to Faquarl to do the same.

-You see, cats started missing in our neighborhood and I was wondering if...- 

The blond was taller than I, plus he appeared to be strongly built (for a nerd he had too much muscle, yet still less than Jabor) and now his whole faquarlness was towering over me. (With that look on his face I was grateful for the piece of wood between us.(And that came out really bad.))

-You came here, scared any potential costumer with your lurking and now you’re insulting my fucking pies, you little piece of shit!?- (Once again my amazing speech skill brough me into trouble. Let me sometimes tell you how I managed to insult whole room of historians.) My exnemesis started rolling up sleeves of his too white and uptight shirt. I tried to run, but Faquarl startled me by jumping over the desk.

-Wait, YOUR pies?- I squeaked as he dragged me to the nearest doors. (Library, by the way. At least our Librarian was cruising through the market in an attempt to find something with banana. He craved that fruit.)  
I didn’t even notice when Faquarl grabbed one of his meat pies, however now he pinned me to the wall with soft thud, his other hand held up little squashed ,but still luscious, meat pie.

-So you think it’s cat meat in there!?- he hissed and took a big bite from poor tortured pie.

His next move caught me unprepared. Like, really unprepared. It was as unexpected as pink burning farmhouse full of dwarves falling on your head in the middle of shopping center. (Don’t ask, maybe I’ll tell you one day.)  
Thus his full mouth smashed with mine and as I was so surprised (No other reason.) I parted my lips, letting his meat pie flavored tongue run down my teeth. This took few more seconds before we actually separated. (I‘d give you an excuse, but you just wouldn’t believe.)  
I looked into his half lidded eyes maybe for the first time in forever. I even forgot that despite his fairness his eyes were deep dark holes of wit and smugness.

-Did it taste like cat?-

-Uh?-

-I asked you something, thickbrick.-

-Nuh-uh?-

-Sometimes, Bartimaeus, you surprise me when you use full sentence.-

-Fuck you. Somebody’s probably stealing your merchandise.-

And he left me there, slowly sliding down the wall, not believing what just happened. But that pie was fucking exquisite.

**Author's Note:**

> For my little black genius. And yes, that's THE Librarian. He's ginger, saggy and kinda more hairy than normal human.


End file.
